Jezus.

First I let this blog die, then I forgot about it.
Such a terrible blogger. Bad Sarah, bad.

Well, I'm back. For good? For now? Who knows. If I can finally get into the habit of blogging and make it stick, having a blog would be a great idea. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, having helped my mom's friend set up a blog of her own. I feel like there's just been so much on my mind lately. Things that I don't want to talk about, but at the same time want to get off my chest.

Sometimes, I feel unwanted. I feel pushed aside.
No, a lot of times I feel like that.Like I'm not important. Like I'm not talented. Like in every aspect of my life I'm just not good enough.

I know, I know. Bad mindset to have when you're an aspiring actress. But how can you avoid it? When you feel like crap, you're not going to care when people try to tell you the opposite of whatever's bothering you. You're just not going to believe it.

I've really been trying to look at myself lately, but I don't know where to start. I think I'm too mature for my own good. I mean, everyone always thinks I'm older than I am (high school senior is a popular guess) and, honestly, I might as well be. In school I tend to gravitate more towards the seniors and juniors, which just leaves me lonely in my normal classes and lonely when they graduate. I feel like I just want to be able to go off on my own and live my life. I think a lot of this comes from school and teachers. It's like at this point in my life, I'm constantly bound with chains and I just can't find the key.

So I pick the lock open and force my way out.

Have you ever heard that when you smile, you actually become happier?I've tried it. It works.

It's actually a really interesting thing. There's an article about it here:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=smile-it-could-make-you-happier

I also try and surround myself with things that I love. My acting class is like my home away from home. It's the one place where I feel I can truly be myself.

One more thing:
Nothing is forever, and what goes down must come up. As bad as you feel now, you're not always going to feel like that. It'll get better. I promise.

AAAND one more thing:
it's THE LIST.
dun dun dun.

-Fall in love
-Become more outgoing
-Visit France, England, Italy, and/or Australia. (Heck, I'll just travel the world!)
-Win an award for acting
-Preform on Broadway
-Master some style of dance
-Earn a steady income
-Learn how to fence. Yes, fence.
-Give myself a life that I am happy to be living

I'll post again as soon as I can with more acting-related updates.

Epiphany

Aah... I feel like I have so much to look forward to right now. Two musicals, two shows, and SUMMER.

Today was my French final. I didn't think it was that hard, but while I'm at home a while later I get a call from my French teacher. She said that I got a 100 and she was so excited that she wanted to tell me. Of course, I probably didn't give her the super excited reaction she expected, because I was a little weirded out that for the second time today I was getting a call from one of my teachers.

The first time, my chorus teacher had been calling kids to remind them of the rehersal for high school graduation, which the high school chorus is supposed to sing at.

Either way, now that I've had time for it to sink in, I'm pretty excited. French is one of my best subjects, but I definately didn't expect 100. High 90's? Definately. 100? Definately not.

So now I have a nice long weekend. Today I had to come home from my test and clean because we're having a party tomorrow where a friend of my mom's and my dad's coworkers are coming over for a barbeque. My only problem with it is that the oldest kid that's coming is like 10. I'll survive, though. I always do. ;P

I'm counting down the days until the summer workshop that I've mentioned before begins. July 6th- less than a month away. It'll be interesting getting ready for two shows at the same time.

The broadway review is going well. I mean, almost everyone knows each other there so I still feel a little akward, but we've only had 3 rehersals so far. I know I'll be more comfortable as time goes on. I will have to miss a few rehersals, though. And THAT, my friends, is the REAL good news:

After months of my begging, my parents bought tickets to see Chicago. We're going on June 30th. I'm so excited! I love the movie, but I haven't seen it live. And Ruthie Henshall is great. Not only that, but my mad was given four free tickets to see Memphis on July 20th. I mean, I'll have to miss 2 rehersals and one of the days of the summer workshop, but it's worth it. It's not very often that I get to look forward to 2 Broadway shows at the same time. I think it's happened once. Last year, there was a field trip for chorus and we were going to see Phantom of the Opera. I was looking forward to it for months, and then suddenly my dad was given tickets for Phantom of the Opera. The two shows were two days apart, so I saw it with my family, then saw it again two days later with my school. Goodtimes, goodtimes. =]

Ooh, and my last final is on Tuesday. Then? Summer HERE I COME.

...
Total change of subject here, but maybe Sunday and/or Monday I'll actually make plans with someone.

I'm sick and tired of watching the world go by wishing I could be a part of it. I go on Facebook and see people posting things like "Great night with _____, _____, and _____" or "At _____'s house". I see people posting pictures of them hanging out with their best friends having a grand old time. And frankly? I'm tired of looking at them all and thinking "Gee, I wish I was there." "Gee, I wish my friends wanted to do something with me." I always say how annoying it is when people complain about things in their life and do nothing to correct it. "I'm fat." Then exersize! "I'm stupid." Then maybe you should actually try in school. "I have no friends." Stop complaining about yourself and people might like you a little better!

You would think I could take my own advise.

So, from now on, I will.

There's a world out there that I've been missing out on. Some will say I'm not missing much. In fact, I've already been told that. I don't care that I'm not missing out on much, I care that I'm missing out. I'm missing out on the chance to be a happy, outgoing girl. I'm missing out on the chance to make new friends and make old friends better ones. I'm missing out on the chance to have a life. Oppertunity is most certainly not a lengthy visitor.

By the time I graduate in June of 2013, I will be rid of this timid burdon that has weighed me down for way too long. I've come a heck of a long was since middle school.

Actually, I've come a heck of a long way since the beginning of the year.
The point is, I'm through pushing people away.

Let's play a game, shall we?
I am going to post a list of the thinks I want to do before I die. Each time I accoomplish one item from the list, I will repost the list minus whatever I accomplished. For example, if my list was to learn to drive, write a book, and get a 100 on a final, I would now be able to repost my list as learn to drive and write a book.

So here it is:

-Fall in love
-Become more outgoing
-Visit France
-Win an award for acting
-Preform on Broadway
-Master some style of dance
-Find some way to make money (Because, while I'm old enough to work, I'm not old enough for anyone to really want to hire me)
-Get a new phone(I've had the same one since Christmas of 6th grade. :P)

So what is so gamelike about this you ask? The goal of this game is to add to it whenever you can, cross things off whenever you can, and never, NEVER let the list become empty. Why? Because without things to work for, I'll get lazy, and if I have nothing to look forward to, then I'll be miserable.

Some of the things on this list can be done in a day, some could take a lifetime, some might never happen... but this list is my way of telling myself "Don't forget to dream," and reminding myself to work for what I want, instead of just wishing for it to appear.

Some wishes come true, but they rarely come true without effort.

I might/might not post another version of the list soon, because I definately had more in mind an hour or two ago when I was thinking about what I would put on it. For now, this'll do.

And don't forget to smile today. :)

Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony~!

^obscure Producers reference? Cheesy? ;]

I'm so excited for the Tonys tonight. Like, really. Super excited. I don't know why I've been looking forward to them so much more than usual, but I have. I love watching the performers especially, even though all it really does is get me really excited about a musical I'll probably never see. Next to Normal, anyone?

So I went to Dorney Park on Friday. That was an adventure. The very first ride I went on was the Hydra. That is a roller coaster.

I don't do roller coasters.

I do have to admit, though, it must have been hilarious for my peers and the strangers around me to see me being dragged - quite literally - into the line. I was seriously fighting the entire time, running in the opposite direction as a friend of mine pulled my by the wrist.

Yes, that was definitely a sight.
And, just because tone of voice does not translate well through text, I'm not being sarcastic.
It seriously must have been really funny. x]

I was in Dorney Park for a field trip with my chorus class. We competed in the competition called Music in the Parks, where basically, your school chorus and/or band goes, sings/plays for some judges, spends the day in Dorney Park, and then finds out their place. I think my school won something like best featured soloist, best mixed chorus at a high school level, best mixed chorus period, and best chorus period.

NUMBAH ONE.

I'm also pretty excited for tomorrow. The Broadway review I auditioned for/blogged about starts auditions tomorrow at 6. Oh? What else? It's also the last day of school? WOW. I guess tomorrow is just going to be packed with epicness.

Let's see. Whatelsewhatelse? I'm in such a theatre mood right now, you don't even know. First I watched an episode of I Love Lucy where she's having a dream after seeing a show, so her dream is like a musical, and then the end of Phantom of the Opera: Behind the Mask, then Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, then The Making of Cats or whatever it was called, and now Cats, and after that the Tony Awards. Last night a friend and I went to the community college to see The Fantasticks. I was familliar with the show and the person I took lessons from before I came to my voice teacher had been working on "Much More" with me, but I had never actually seen it or heard any of the other music. My friend's friend was in it, so we decided to go see it. I was really good. :]

So, uh... I think that's it for now.
That's why I need to blog more often. I tend to forget things, and then I leave stuff out, and yeah.

I guess I'll just edit this post or add it to my next post if I think of something else? ;]

Youtube?

My voice recital was this past Sunday, and, though I only thought I did okay, my family, teacher, and like two people I don't know did tell me I did well. Though I've avoided watching this video like the plauge (I'm a little afraid to. I never liked hearing my own voice), I was wondering if you wanted to. I uploaded it to youtube because my parents wanted to share it with some friends and family. They tried emailing the video, but I guess the file was too big so it froze up our computer when they tried to receive it themselves. I showed my mom how to upload it to youtube so she could just send the link out.

It's wierd to think about, that I uploaded a video of myself that I haven't even seen. Probably not a good idea, but people were going to see it anyway. ;P

Anyway, yeah. I just figured maybe if anyone wanted to check it out and give me a critique or something...
Yeah. ;P

This is sort of a mini post, but I'll try to type up something in a bit more detailed tomorrow, when I should have more time.

Luckily, my last day of classes are on the 14th, and then tests are that week, but tests aren't a whole day, just a couple of hours.

Either way, that means in like a week I'll be pretty much done with school. Not only that, but I'll have a show and rehersals to talk about again. So I'll definately be able to get more posts on here more often.
:D

Click HERE to check it out. :3

suchanadventure.

Hm. What first, good news or bad?
Let's go with good.

I came home from school on Friday and my parents told me they had a surprise for me. They showed me a page from the classifieds section of the newspaper. Finally, an audition.

I didn't know what to expect. I've never actually been to an audition before, unless you count school plays, but I go to a small school. You can tell if someone's getting a part or not just by knowing what grade they're in and/or knowing what, if any, roles they've had in the past. This audition, I had no clue what to expect.

I started off calm. After all, I wasn't going to this audition jusst because I was dying for a show to be in. Don't get me wrong, I love being in shows and would be thrilled to get a part in ANYTHING, but my main goal is to get used to auditioning in general. Auditions will always be nerve-racking, I'm sure; but until like last year, I couldn't even sing in front of people. I've come a long way and I have no problem singing now, and so now that I've proven to myself that I can do this (I waited until after Urinetown for a reason!), it's time to get some experience and get to know what I'm going up against.

So we go to the building. Luckily (Well not luckily... conveniently? I'll explain soon), I had no school today, so I spent the day preparing. Originally I wanted to sing Home from Beauty and the Beast; it shows a good range, shows off the acting ability, I'm already familliar with it so I didn't have to learn a new song in three days, and I knew just where I could get the music. Then the wonderful Mara suggested I sing Follow Your Heart. After all, I've been working on it in my voice lessons every week getting ready for the recital in June. I didn't originally didn't want to sing it (hence "Home"), but after giving it some thought, it really was common sence. I wouldn't even have to burn the CD because my voice teacher had given me one to practice with.

So we go into the building. I had been calm all day, but with like 20 minutes before we left I started to get nervous. I the car I calmed myself down, but seeing the building I'd be auditioning it didn't help. It was an old looking brick building with a chain link fence. Creepy. The auditions were on the third floor, but there was no elevator, we we had to go up the steps, which were also a bit creepy. They were very narrow and enclosed. I get to the hallway where the audition took place, and the people are there are all talking because they knew each other. Because they did know each other. Because they had been in shows with these directors before. And I think, Oh God. I'm screwed.

I pushed off going in as long as I could, but eventually my dad made me go (thanks, dad. ;D).

The auditioners were super nice. They seemed happy that I was singing a Urinetown song. One of them put in the CD for me and I sang the first two verses. They said that I was really great. Genuinely, not like "Oh yeah, good job, thanks for coming, kthnxbai." One asked me who I took voice lessons with. She said that the lessons showed. I hadn't even written on the form thing they'd given me that I took lessons.

I left the room and some people smiles at me. Two people told me that I did a great job. As we were leaving, my dad told me that when I started singing, everyone in the hall stopped talking and listened, and two people gave him the thumbs up.

Now, I can't say anything about Broadway auditions or college auditions.

But... auditioning for community theatre?

Not. Scary. At. All.


In totally unrelated, but still good, news, we had to write a ballad for English class, and my teacher read them all aloud on Friday. That, however, is not the good news. It just about horrified me, actually. But after she read mine, she called it beautiful. And she is super strict. :3


Now, however, onto the bad news. On Thursday, Mr. Traina, a teacher in my school district's elementary school, was going to the doctor's office on his motorcycle, was involved in a crash, and died. His funeral was today, which is why there was no school.

I personally did not like him as a teacher, but I know a lot of people loved him. Many kids-expecially the 5th graders who were currently his students-took it very hard. Rest in peace, Mr. Traina. You will be missed.

I think I'm going mad.

The school's production of Urinetown ended exactly 3 weeks from Monday. Since then, my schedual went from incredibly hectic and crazy to completely bare. All I do now when I'm not in school is Art Club, voice lessons, and acting class. Art club is a bit of a joke. We're supposed to be painting a mural. We're obviously not going to finish. I don't think anyone in my group has been there for months. Besides, it's only once a week after school for like an hour or so. Acting, which is, like, the highlight of my week, is for two hours on Wednesday evenings, but this Wednesday is the last class until July. My voice lessons are fun, but those are only an hour long. Yes, there are plenty of things I could (and should) be doing. Expand my repetoire, work on a resume, practice the song I'm singing for my voice teacher's recital, etc. And then there are all of those other "creative outlets" that I've totally neglected since Urinetown, like jewelry making and drawing. The thing is, it's just not the same.


I feel like I sound so melodramatic.


I used to love doing nothing all day, but I'm not used to it anymore. So now, that feeling that there's nothing I have to do is making me rip my hair out.


I've been looking to see if there are any auditions around that I at least come /close/ to qualifying for, but most auditions for females I've found have been looking for adults, like in their twenties. I finally found an audition in the paper, but it was incredibly vauge. They didn't mention ages they were looking for, when the audition was, or what to prepare. I suppose I'll have to email them to find out more.


On a totally unrelated note, I just found out that my acting teacher taught one of the actors in American Idiot. I'm pretty sure he said it was Michael Esper. How incredibly exciting to hear, that his students become so successful. It just makes me so much more eager for the next workshop this summer. Last summer we put on a production of the Canterbury tales, and this summer we're going to do Alice in Concert. I haven't been able to find much about it on the internet besides that Meryl Streep was in it.

This is really cool.

Actually, no. It's super duper ossum. :D

I had no clue that it was possible to plug your iPod into the television so you can watch movies! I've been watching Into the Woods and now that that's ending, I'll probably watch the Producers. Now I need to get more movies (musicals? :D) onto my iPod. Which means I should probably get a job or something. =P

...just thought I'd throw that out there. ;P

What makes the dawn come up like thunder?

Courage.

Ever feel like there's something that you really want - like, really, really want - but didn't have the guts to ask for it?

Or maybe you did ask, and you felt really bad about it.

It's kinda like when you can't stand someone, but they think you're best friends. You have nothing against them, they seem perfectly nice. There's just something about them that you don't like. You want to tell them that their presence makes you want to rip out your hair, but just can't.

...

Okay. So technically, it's nothing like that. But the guilty feeling is kinda the same. Almost. It's more like when you want something and it's crazy expensive and it's not the kind of thing your parents would have you buy for yourself like a really expensive shirt you don't need and you feel bad about asking for it.

Currently, I am a freshman in highschool. In 2007, the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I went to a summer performing arts camp that you may or may not have heard of, called French Woods. I had a great time, but found it a little difficult to make friends because I was so shy. (That isn't to say I made no friends, of course. Just nobody I stayed in contact with after.) Not to mention that after waiting hours to audition for a show there, I chickened out and left with only 5 or so minutes before my turn. I mean, I was garunteed to get in a show, even if it was just chorus. I just couldn't audition. At that point in my life, I quite literally could not sing in public.

Of course, just two weeks ago I played a foul-mouthed, rude, obnoxious, impatient, pregnant cripple psychopath in my school's production of Urinetown in front of the entire (and, might I add, incredibly judgemental) high school without a problem. (littlebeckytwoshoesftw? ;D)

Talk about coming out of your shell.

Anyway, I feel like I would have a better experience. If I liked it while I was there before, imagine now, when I would actually have the confidence in myself to talk to people without being approached first and ACTUALLY DO WHAT I WENT THERE TO DO. Though, I will admit, I loved what I did last time. Set design was great, and so was silk screen. I had never done silk screening before, and set design let me combine two things I love; art and theatre.

I asked my mom if I could go again this year, and she said to ask my dad, which I haven't gotten the chance to do yet. If I could go, it would definately have to be the second session, because the first one interferes with regents and finals and the third and fourth would be in the middle of the acting class that I take at a local theater. The second session means only missing the first two weeks, and better to miss the first two weeks when we're just barely getting started and preparing for the show then the last eight when the show is cast and we are rehersing. At the end of the workshop we'll probably put on a performance, so I definately can't miss that. However, the second session is the most expensive. Almost $5,000. I don't remember, but the workshop I just mentioned is probably about $200. Luckily, French Woods isn't too far away; it's not like we'll have to pay for a plane ticket. It's just an hour and a half to two hours away, and my grandparents live nearby so we've gone in that direction plenty of times, so it's not unknown territory.


I feel bad about being afraid to ask for something. In the acting buisness, half of the idea is having the guts to just ask. My acting teacher once told us how he got a job just by asking "Are you hireing?" Technically, they were not. Technically, he had no knowledge in the field. But he got the job. His potential boss pointed to a chair and said "What kind of chair is that?" My teacher didn't know, so he guessed. I don't remember, but I'm sure he said something stupid, like "A wooden one?" The guy was like "How can I hire you if you don't even know that that is a __________ chair?", when the guy my teacher had asked for a job from was like "Actually, Mr. bossdude, that is a ______________ chair." After a short debate, the boss dude realized that he was wrong and gave my teacher a job.

Not the best story because I don't remember the details, but still a good story because I know that you, dear reader, know what I mean.

Got no talent? Guts and luck. That's all you need to catch a break in this world, let alone this buisness. And that's what I could use now.